the importance of the pity party
When I was little, someone disappointed me, and I tried to act like I didn’t care. It was my birthday, and I thought it would be silly to let someone else ruin the joy I had. However, by the end of the night, it was hard to ignore that I was upset, and I cried. It was a good cry, and since then, I’ve always appreciated it.
We’re always told that pity parties never solve anything and that we should stop feeling sorry for ourselves and brush off all the bad things that happen to us. I disagree. In order to solve problems, you have to first understand them. You have to get into them, however unpleasant they may be, and you have to become acquainted. If you don’t understand your feelings, how do you move on from them? How do you brush off something that happened, if you don’t understand what did?
Pity parties give you time to be in yourself. They give you a moment to get to know the negative feelings you have in response to something. You learn what you don’t like and how you react from pity parties, and that is an important lesson to learn. If you tell yourself you have to just “move on,” you deny yourself the reality of the pain. You tell yourself, that whatever hurt you wasn’t that big of a deal, and that it isn’t worth another second. Now, to a certain extent, I would agree. That other thing or person may not necessarily be worth that second, but you and your own wellbeing are. Feel for yourself, so you can be better for yourself.
I think it is important to point out the fact that pity parties still need to be constructive (sounds like an oxymoron, I’m sure). While everyone has their own pace, there still needs to be a timeline of progression. Much like when you deal with physical pain, you need to first identify what hurts. Vocalize it, write it down, do whatever you need to name the pain. Then, try to understand the symptoms. Think back over the events that happened, and try to find where your pain came from. This isn’t always something we can do on our own, and you may need to utilize outside help. That’s okay. No expects you to deal with identify every condition or illness on your own. Next, comes treatment. This part is my favorite because it is all about me. Focus on your feelings and doing whatever makes you feel better. Don’t confuse this with escapism. While I enjoy a good Netflix binge to run away from my problems, I’m doing just that—running away. When you finish that show, come off that high, or whatever you’re doing, the problems are still there. If you do certain things for pure enjoyment, that’s different; just beware of running. For me, writing is helpful. Sometimes, I make lists of my favorite things or of good things in my life. Sometimes, I write letters to the person I’m upset with. I never send them, but at least the words aren't weighing me down anymore.
Treatment won’t always be quick. Sometimes, you’ll need a few doses, and that is more than okay. Maybe your treatment plan is different than mine, and that is fine as well. The main point of all of this to not deny yourself the legitimacy of your feelings and to learn from what hurts you. Pity parties are not a waste of time. When done constructively, they are a form of self-care, and I believe they should be treated as such. If you’re sad, there is a reason, and if you ignore it, how do you expect it to get better?
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